back in the training shoes

Monday, March 26, 2012
4 miles
43:15
66 degrees

I just want to start this post out by saying that I have finally begun to run again after over 3 months of no training and I am so excited to have run again.  I did a couple of 2 mile runs a few weeks ago, but this was the first workout that I timed, and I felt really good running it, too.

I switched some things up so that I can hopefully be a little more proactive in preventing injury in the future.  I am wearing a pair of shoes that I have owned for nearly a year, but only wore on occasion before the injury.  I wear them when I run but I am also wearing supportive shoes when I am at work.

Translation: no more high heals for me.  

But all-in-all I've been very blessed to have a fairly easy recovery and hopefully an easy transition back into running.

I do not have much more to say about running, at least not tonight.  I have had plenty on my mind, but I just wanted to write a quick update on my recovery and re-commit to writing more regularly now.  I'm very excited for what the next few weeks will bring.

approval.

Saturday, February 18, 2012
bike ride-- 12.71 miles
1:08:59

Today I rode my bike for the first time since I bought it.  It had a flat tire that I had to change, so for the first two weeks I owned it, it sat on my front porch.  I changed the tire a couple of days ago, and today I decided to get off my lazy butt and ride around.  I hopped on the bike path near my house and peddled in one direction for a half hour, then turned around and peddled back.  It felt as though I could have possibly gone further, but I really did not want to push it because I have not been working out regularly in over two months.  What I did not realize until after I mapped the ride out when I got home was that it had a subtle decline the entire way to the turnaround point, therefore it was a slow incline all the way back home.  That was a little painful.  My heart was racing the last mile.  It felt really good, though; I felt like I was doing something athletic again.

I still have to fight the urge to run, even though I have begun developing some temporary substitutions.  That's what they are though: substitutions.  I know I have not really committed and given yoga and bicycling a chance, but there is a strong desire in me to run, and I have not yet been able to shake that.

I was watching Moneyball today (which was a fantastic film by the way) and just seeing a sports movie made me want to run out my front door.  Even though my foot does not usually feel uncomfortable, I can still feel the injury and it takes every bit of the small part of my brain that is reasonable not to say "whatever" and just go run.  Never mind the fact that I am still injured, but since it has been so long since I've run, I guarantee I would be disappointed when I'm completely exhausted after a mile... and in excruciating pain.

Aside from bicycling and running and injured feet, I have had something kind of major on the brain.  I feel like this roadblock in my running truly aligns with a very real roadblock in my life: approval.

Before I move forward, let me back up.  Things have been truly amazing in my life lately.  I am moving forward in my career and personal life and getting over all the hurt that last year brought.  My half-marathon kind of represented that for me: a triumph that was a long time coming.  But there is a big hurdle that I have yet to even address, and that is my need for approval.  It is a modern idol of sorts that I know I am far too invested in.  I need the approval of others.  In my job.  In my friendships.  In my life.  I need others to think I'm great, beautiful, cool, smart, nice, etc.  It colors everything I do.  Last summer I had a long conversation with my pastor's wife about what a hard time I was having with my divorce.  Exasperated, I said "...and to top it off, I know some day I'm going to have to explain to some guy's family that I was married for a short time and hope they don't assume that I can't commit to a healthy relationship and..." and I realized then what I was really saying was "I may not need to please my ex anymore, but I need to please someone, and it isn't myself and it isn't God."  My pastor's wife didn't even have to say anything.  I knew and she knew that this was a problem for me.

The issue, aside from what I've just laid out, is that I have no idea how to work on this flaw of mine.  I know if I don't, I won't be able to have a healthy relationship, because the only type of person that wants to be with a person who is desperate for approval is someone who is hungry for power and control... and I know where that ended up.

So here's the parallel: my life came back together again over the past year, and although everything is seemingly great, I know there is this trait of mine that will put me in the exact same paralyzing position if I don't fix what's broken, deep inside.  I ran this 13.1 mile race and I felt great, accomplished, and then it became clear that I couldn't keep doing that if I didn't fix this fundamental part of my body: my foot.

I want to keep talking about this, but this post is getting a little long, so I'll close for now by saying that the first step I'm taking towards repairing my running life is staying off my foot.  I hope to wake up early tomorrow and do another long bike ride.  I wish I knew an easy first step to getting over this need for approval.  Maybe it'll come to me on my next ride...

changes.

I want to write a quick post about some changes I'm making.

It seems that life's forward momentum provokes some changes in our routines that we would not have planned for ourselves, but have happened nevertheless.  Because of my foot injury, I have been posting silly entries on Pheidippides in an attempt to entertain myself and fill in the void that used to be running.

I want to redirect Pheidippides back towards running, spirituality, and personal growth, but I have become especially interested in and entertained by some short video-diary type-things I've been doing and I think I want to continue those posts.

So the time has come to create a second blog.  If you are at all entertained by me musing in front of my computer, then definitely check out the deputy to watch me in action.  Otherwise, I hope you are relieved to know that I'll be keeping the sophomoric entertainment to a minimum on Pheidippides.

Also, I know there are more people that follow this blog than there are listed publicly, so I figured out how to change the settings so that anyone can comment on my posts, even anonymously.

I am excited for what these changes will bring for both Pheidippides and the deputy.

am i a hypochondriac?

First things first.  I want to know why I have written "until next time..." on like three of the past five posts and no one has called me on it.  Talk about cliche.  I'm thoroughly disappointed in my writing.

Okay.  Now.  On to my post.

It is February.  So that means spring is on its way.  That also means that my least favorite time of year is also on its way.  It's the "Noel is sick for months on end because of pollen and mold" season.

For most of my life, I have had to suffer through springs and summers with seasonal allergy symptoms.  It started when I was a toddler and my mom said I always had a runny nose.  Then when I was a preteen I had chronic headaches.  As in all the time.  By the time I was a teenager, it typically just manifested into cold-like symptoms once or twice a year, usually at the beginning of spring and end of summer.

But as I have gotten older, it has gotten far worse.  First, I have noticed that I can physically feel when I'm having an allergic reaction almost as soon as I encounter an allergen.  It takes no time as all to feel my eyes burning and watering, my ears itching, my nose running, and my throat swelling up.  Second, I am now allergic to dogs and cats.  I love animals and I actually have a dog, but read hives to see what that love has cost me.  Third, and most crucial, I have actually experienced the cold-like symptoms for months at a time, costing me dearly in sick days at work and fun days outside of work.

Spring of 2010 was the worst season; I was sick all the time, eventually just trying to power through because I did not want to use all my sick/vacation days, I lost my voice several times (which sucked in particular because I was scheduled to sing the national anthem at the U.S. Airways Center for a Phoenix Mercury game that June), and I generally felt miserable.

So now it is February 15th and I am nervous as ever that I will be getting sick this spring.  I already had a cold in January that lasted about a week and left me with no voice for over a week.

Add to that: I work in some pretty questionable environments.  Since I do home-visitation social work, I sometimes start to experience an allergic reaction as soon as I walk into someone's house.  One client called me last week to tell me that they found mold in their apartment.  I was nervous to go, but I did not want to go to my boss and say "we can't bill for this family because I haven't seen them because I'm afraid of their mold spores."  That seemed like a reflective conversation that I did not want to have.  So I went as planned to the appointment.

But later that day and the next, I had a wheezing, gasping cough.

I wanted to write this post because I feel like that cough may have been in my head.  Like I was so nervous about breathing in mold spores and being sick that I made myself sick.  Plus I am still getting over that cold.

This is such a beautiful season in Tucson, yet it is so miserable if you have a swollen throat or runny eyes or are sleepy all the time.  I hope I'm not a hypochondriac.  It is just one more thing to stack on a heaping pile of emotional issues that I just can't handle.

Well, it's been a while... again.

It has been a while since I posted.  I have had a lot to say, but I have not been able to get it all out into a post.  When I logged into my account tonight, there were three posts that I had started and never finished.  I decided to try to post them all in tonight's post...

I just changed my mind.  After reading two of the almost-posts I decided that all they contained was random chatter about my mileage.  What I plan to write tonight and in the next few days and weeks will cover whatever I didn't finish in the past.  So here comes the one post that I thought might mean something.

so busy i can't find time to feel...

Sunday, October 9, 2011

2 miles

20:30

75 degrees

So I although it has been a really long time since my last post, I promise I have been running. The reason for my lack of writing is not related to a lack of running, but a lack of time. Out of nowhere it seems, I somehow have an active social life again.  Last week alone I had dinner plans or going out plans or Glee watching plans with different sets of friends almost every night of the week.  I was so... occupied.

I am hesitant to say that I am happy.  I cannot say that packing my free time so much that I do not have free time really means that I have a satisfying life, but if faking it for a while means that eventually it will feel like my life makes sense again, then this is a good thing.  Probably.

Even though I am still feeling very cynical about life right now, I am starting to actually enjoy living it again...

I feel like what I started to write here still applies.  My life seems full.  Even more has happened since I began to write this post. 

I wanted to use Pheidippides to write about my faith as well as running and my life.  Now I am so involved in my church in such a deep and meaningful way.  I joined a group of people at my church on a mission to bring the Gospel to the University of Arizona campus.  Now I am starting to spend time every week with this community of families and individuals who, like me, want to impact the students in our city and hope to live this out through our faith in God.  I feel truly blessed to be a part of it and I hope that my life starts to feel full once again.

I am also maintaining connections with friends through regular meetups at happy hours after work, dinner dates, and Glee watching parties.  I just love Glee, and I love my friends.

As for running, I am still doing that, too, don't you worry!  I actually decided a few weeks back that I would run the Tucson Half-Marathon in December of this year.  I have been running four days a week on a training schedule to prepare for the race.  I am so happy about this because it has been prayer that has gotten me through my longest runs, and it has been prayer that has enabled me to run after ten hour days of work when I want nothing more than to do absolutely nothing.

I titled my unfinished post "so busy i can't find time to feel" because I felt exactly that.  I was busy for the sake of being busy.  Beneith my social calendar I was still hurting, angry, sad... I had not gotten to that part of my thoughts before something inevitably distracted me enough to abandon Pheidippides for the night.  But I wanted to include those thoughts in this post because I still feel a portion of that pain.  I am still hurting, angry, sad, lost, confused, and lonely.  Things are changing, hopefully for the better, but I felt that was an important note to include.

There is so much I want to share tonight, but I will save my inspiration for the coming days to catch the followers of Pheidippides up on my life, my running, and my circumstance.

Thank you for your patience over the last few months of my writer's block.  I am excited to jump back in to to this written journey.

holy moly it is HOT!

Monday, August 22, 2011

4 miles

37:19

Okay. I love Tucson. I love the weather. I love the blazing hot summers and the balmy winters. But I am claiming my reserved right to complain tonight. This heat just might kill me.

I have made a few subtle references to how I feel as though I am aging in Pheidippides, and right now I am going to make one more: I never remember sweating this much in my life. I realize that, yes, I have only lived in this inferno of a desert for three years. And yes, I have never run so intensely throughout the summer any other year. Even so, even after dark, I get utterly soaked in perspiration. Gross. I do not know if this is a sign of aging or of weight gain or both, but it is wholly inconvenient and completely unbecoming.

Anyway... that was just a pointless rant to fill the void of my totally uneventful workout and my subsequently uninspired entry. I ran my usual 4 mile route and did so in decent time. I was totally gassed for about the last .75 miles, but it was still the kind of workout that makes me want to do it again, which is ideal.

Maybe my next entry will be about an awesome run I do at 6 a.m. and the minimal sweat that run produces. Stay tuned to find out. :)

don't just survive it.

Friday, July 15, 2011

2 miles

19 minutes

and...

Thursday, July 14, 2011

3.5 miles

37:38

also...

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

3 miles

I don't know... let's say 30 minutes for argument's sake

This week has been a great week for me. As you may have noticed, I ran quite a lot, and I also spiced things up and mapped some new routes for some varied distances. On top of my great workouts, I have had two amazing weeks at work, where I am really feeling confident and supported by everyone around me. My life right now reminds me of this blog's namesake and the reason why I chose Pheidippides as my blog's title.

When Pheidippides ran the first marathon way back in ancient times, he did something that no man had ever done before, and he promptly collapsed and died after doing so. In my first entry in 2010, I wrote about how I would be making this difficult journey (at the time I did not really understand just how difficult, and I imagine Pheidippides felt the same), but that I would not face it alone. Because life transformation, making change, and doing so striving to be closer to God, is hard, and possibly something that our bodies and souls are not meant to do alone.

I have anchored what I write about to running, because it is such an essential, big part of me. Running is something I strive to do, and writing about it keeps me motivated. Writing about running is so easy for me, and I can connect to it a lot of the things that I do in life. But Pheidippides is about so much more than running. I have been successful and happy and thriving at work for exactly the same reason that Pheidippides did not thrive after he ran his 26.2 miles: I have help. I run by myself most days but I live my life every day with friends and co-workers who support and love me. I have a church family who I know prays for my peace. I live in a different state than everyone in my family, but everyone has still shown me that they care, each in their own way.

I guess that is what I want to say this post. I have been building morale and confidence and feeling more and more able to not only survive, but to thrive, and that has a little to do with my behavior change and a lot to do with the people who are helping me do it. So here's to pushing through, growing stronger, and becoming more capable of enduring the hard times and relishing in the good times. I think I have learned, and Pheidippides probably learned, too, that those lessons are best learned in good company.

h2o

In case you need a break from my "runner's anguish" posts, here's an article about hydration. Thanks, Molly!

WHY WATER MATERS
Even healthy eaters often underestimate the importance of their water intake and wind up suffering from chronic, low-grade dehydration. Here are just a few reasons good hydration is essential to good health:

Energy: Suboptimal hydration slows the activity of enzymes, including those responsible for producing energy, leading to feelings of fatigue. Even a slight reduction in hydration can lower metabolism and reduce your ability to exercise efficiently.

Digestion: Our bodies produce an average of 7 liters of digestive juices daily. When we don’t drink enough liquid, our secretions are more limited and the digestive process is inhibited. (Note that drinking too much water all at once, particularly with food, can also dilute digestive juices, reducing their efficacy and leading to indigestion.)

Regularity: As partially digested food passes through the colon, the colon absorbs excess liquid and transfers it to the bloodstream so that a stool of normal consistency is formed. When the body is low on water, it extracts too much liquid from the stool, which then becomes hard, dry and difficult to eliminate. Slowed elimination contributes to bodywide toxicity and inflammation.

Blood Pressure: When we are chronically dehydrated, our blood becomes thicker and more viscous. Additionally, in response to reduced overall blood volume, the blood vessels contract. To compensate for the increased vein-wall tension and increased blood viscosity, the body must work harder to push blood through the veins, resulting in elevated blood pressure.

Stomach Health: Under normal circumstances, the stomach secretes a layer of mucus (which is composed of 98 percent water) to prevent its mucus membranes from being destroyed by the highly acidic digestive fluid it produces. Chronic dehydration, though, impedes mucus production and may irritate and produce ulcers in the stomach lining.

Respiration: The moist mucus membranes in the respiratory region are protective; however, in a state of chronic dehydration, they dry out and become vulnerable to attack from substances that might exist in inhaled air, such as dust and pollen.

Acid-Alkaline Balance: Dehydration causes enzymatic slowdown, interrupting important biochemical transformations, with acidifying results at the cellular level. The acidification of the body’s internal cellular environment can be further worsened when excretory organs responsible for eliminating acids (e.g., the skin and kidneys) don’t have enough liquid to do their jobs properly. An overly acidic biochemical environment can give rise to a host of inflammatory health conditions, as well as yeast and fungus growth.

Weight Management: Feelings of thirst can be confused with hunger, both because eating can soothe thirst and also because dehydration-induced fatigue is often misinterpreted as a lack of fuel (e.g., sugar). Both dynamics can lead to false sensations of hunger, triggering overeating and weight gain. Inadequate hydration can also promote the storage of inflammatory toxins, which can also promote weight gain.

Skin Health: Dehydrated skin loses elasticity and has a dry, flaky appearance and texture. But dehydration can also lead to skin irritation and rashes, including conditions like eczema. We need to sweat about 24 ounces a day to properly dilute and transport the toxins being eliminated through our skin. When we are chronically dehydrated, the sweat becomes more concentrated and toxins aren’t removed from our systems as readily, which can lead to skin irritation and inflammation.

Cholesterol: Cholesterol is an essential element in cell membrane construction. When we are in a state of chronic dehydration and too much liquid is removed from within the cell walls, the body tries to stop the loss by producing more cholesterol to shore up the cell membrane. Although the cholesterol protects the cell membrane from being so permeable, the overproduction introduces too much cholesterol into the bloodstream.

Kidney and Urinary Health: When we don’t drink enough liquid, our kidneys struggle to flush water-soluble toxins from our system. When we don’t adequately dilute the toxins in our urine, the toxins irritate the urinary mucus membranes and create a germ- and infection-friendly environment.

Joint Health: Dehydrated cartilage and ligaments are more brittle and prone to damage. Joints can also become painfully inflamed when irritants, usually toxins produced by the body and concentrated in our blood and cellular fluids, attack them, setting the stage for arthritis.

Aging: The normal aging process involves a gradual loss of cell volume and an imbalance of the extracellular and intracellular fluids. This loss of cellular water can be accelerated when we don’t ingest enough liquids, or when our cell membranes aren’t capable of maintaining a proper fluid balance.

goals

Monday, May 31, 2010
2.1 miles
21:11

After my last post, I started a "training goal" on my training calendar website: mapmyrun.com. The training goal is to run 50 miles in thirty days. I felt like setting goal would be a good way to keep myself on track.

So far, I have run into the same difficulties that I had before: heat, motivation, energy. But now, I have a goal hanging over my head: run 50 miles. My training calendar on Map My Run politely reminds me when I run less one week than I did the last. It should be motivating, but it is not.

This post is pretty dismal. I hope I can post something more positive soon.

heat

Friday, May 28, 2010
2.94 miles
30:50

I ran after work today, and I've never been so tired.

It is only the end of May and it is so hot! I've never been one to stop so frequently during a light run, but I just can't seemed to move my legs when it is so hot.

I tried to mix up my route here and there in order to keep going, but nothing seemed to help. As I ran past the high school, I remembered that there was a drinking fountain next to the tennis court.

"Thank God!" I thought as I picked up my pace to the fountain. I stopped at the fountain and pushed the button. Broken. Nothing came out. I could have wilted and blown away. I had about a half mile until I got home, and no energy at all.

Thankfully, what I did have was motivation. I forced myself to keep going by counting streets again. Just as my legs felt completely dead, I arrived home.

I am planning on carrying water with me from now on, so hopefully I can figure out this running in the desert business.

I'm hoping that my life will start to fold out like this: I defeat each obstacle one at a time and continue working on finishing the race.

time for change

Wednesday, May 26, 2010
0.79 miles
7:21

Today I ran less than a mile after a week of almost no running. It is kind of demoralizing because it is more difficult to motivate myself than ever. I have tried to commit to running in the morning, because as anyone who lives in Tucson knows, starting in about a month it will be impossible to exercise outside after 9AM, but I'm just never feeling good enough to get out of bed each day. Eventually I get out of bed because I have a job that I must report to nine-to-five each day, but I haven't yet found the motivation to get out of bed to exercise.

I used to have a marathon schedule that said how much to run each day for 16 weeks. That would probably be helpful to have right about now, but I lent it to a co-worker two years ago, then moved two states away, so I do not think I will be getting that handy schedule back anytime soon...

I suppose since we are on the topic of that marathon schedule, and I am ranting about motivation, I could dive into the story behind the marathon that almost happened two years ago. I had decided that my senior year of college, I would run a marathon. I bought a marathon schedule, went to the wellness center at my school to read up on nutrition, bought a heart rate monitor and a Camelback, and began my journey. I felt really good, I ran faithfully each day before class or after work, and I was on track to finish the race at about 4 hours and 45 minutes. About midway through the 16 weeks, though, I started to burn out. I still did my runs and actually made decent times, but I didn't have any energy to do anything else, including homework and my job. Eventually the nutritionist at the wellness center informed me that it had to do with the fact that I was eating less than 2,000 calories per day when I needed to eat 3,000 calories daily to have the energy to train for a marathon. While I tried to make healthy additions to my diet, my training was going downhill fast, and on the day of the marathon I did not run the race.

Food has always been a bit of a vice for me. I would not say that I have an eating disorder or that I am afraid of food, but I guess in a way, I am afraid of weight gain. I somehow found myself in a place where I just did not have to eat a lot to be full, so I did not concern myself with eating three, healthy meals daily. Instead, I ate chips and salsa for one meal, cottage cheese for another, and a can of soda each day and fought off any hunger pangs in between. If I had time to cook a real meal, I made wild rice and seared chicken without seasoning and tried to eat it over the course of a week. So I guess when you look at that diet, on top of a 40 mile-a-week average, it makes a lot of sense that I could not finish my marathon training.

For most of my life, running has been this do-able activity to help me overcome anything else that was going on in my life. But when I trained for my marathon, I was not able to use running to get over my struggle with food. I ended up letting my food issues overtake my desire and determination to run a marathon. Similarly, I am struggling to find motivation to run because I am depressed, and running is supposed to help me overcome my depression. I am hoping and praying that this time will be different, and that I will find some way to conquer the barriers that are making my life so unlivable.

I will close now, but I definitely think it is important for me to note that while I am nervous and scared to talk openly and publicly about depression and how it affects my life, I am terrified to talk about food, and this is the first time that I have ever admitted (even to myself to a degree) that I have issues with food and that it has been an obstacle in my life.

I thought that was particularly noteworthy, and I hope that in recognizing and acknowledging a problem, I will come closer to overcoming it.

mile 1

Thursday, May 20, 2010
3 miles
33:46

Today is the first day of my "marathon" to freedom.

I felt exhausted and sweaty and slow, but I finished...

I'm going to be honest, I stopped twice in the last mile. I was discouraged and I didn't have the mental stamina to keep going.

Since I've been a runner for a long time, I have developed a few ways of dealing with stamina problems. One thing I've tried when running is taking a bad habit of the "run-walker" and flipping it: Sometimes a runner will start walking and say "I'll start running again when I get to that..." and "that" keeps moving more and more forward. When I get tired, I say "I'm going to start walking when I get to that... and I keep moving "that" forward because I can keep going.

This time, even though I tried to play this game in my head, I ended up stopping for a couple of moments. The first stop I cannot really explain... I just stopped.

The second one happened due to my poor memory: I was counting the streets until I got to the street where I live, and I forgot one. When I approached it and realized that I was one street ahead of myself in my head, it was so demoralizing that I just stopped.

I guess finishing my routes without stopping motivates me in a lot of ways. It builds my physical stamina, but it also strengthens my confidence in myself. It is kind of cliche, but it's like that saying "where there's a will, there's a way"; I just feel like when I can make myself believe I can keep going even when my body wants to stop, then I can make myself continue in my job, my friendships, and life, when quitting seems easier.

My next run will be the same route, and I hope that my body- and my mind- can find a will to make it from start to finish without stopping.

the beginning

I've never written a blog, but recently I have been compelled to do so. God may be trying to tell me something, and I am working hard to listen.

I'm trying so hard to listen because I feel as though I got out of the habit of doing so. I used to feel this intense connection to Jesus; I was so sure of His will for me and trusted Him so fully that however painful life got, I was always comforted by his immediate presence.

Sometime in the last year or two, I strayed from that path, and I am truly disconnected. It feels as though scar tissue formed between us, and I simply cannot feel His presence the way I used to.

Some might say that this is just part of growing up. I do not know whether those people are right or wrong. I guess that's why I'm writing this blog; there is no definitive answer, just me trying to work it all out.

I knew I wanted to name my first blog after something related to running, because running has been a huge part of my life since I was little. I ran track in high school, I've run 5k races in the six years since graduating from high school, and even trained to run a marathon during my last semester of college. I did not actually run the race, but that is a story for another day.

I have not been very active in the last year or so, and I know this is not good. Running, for me, is only a small percentage about physical fitness. Running has always been a mental game for me. How far can I go? How fast? What will I see while I run? What terrain is easy, medium, hard? What will I think about? What thoughts make me feel good? What thoughts make me feel tired?

So, starting now, I'm going to run. Pheidippides was the Athenian who ran 26.2 miles to announce victory (Nike) over Persia in the Battle of Marathon. Like Pheidippides, I have a goal in mind: to announce my victory over the paralyzing weight that will kill me if I don't do something about it.

I don't know if Pheidippides had any help along the way, but I know that I will need some. That is why this blog will not be solely about me, but about my relationships: God and friends and family that will (hopefully) cheer me on along the way.

So, there it all is. This is my journey, and I'm daring to do something that I never thought I would: lay it all out on the internet for the world to see... I hope along this journey I can find my salvation and a path to continue on as my life continues to change.

One final thought. Many people probably know that when Pheidippides announced the victory of the Greeks over the Persians, he collapsed and died from exhaustion. I'm planning to deviate from that part of the story. Just so we're clear... ;)