Monday, June 13, 2011

there is sweat in my eyes.

Monday, June 13, 2011
3 miles

I can't seem to quiet the inner monologue in my head. I really wanted to run calmly and meditate about what I am thankful for and everything that I can do in the coming days and weeks to grow closer to God. But it seemed like the more I tried not to think worldly thoughts, the more I couldn't get them out of my head. I thought about Glee and what songs I would sing if I got to guest-star. I thought about what I plan on doing next week at work. I thought about how gross I must look and how there is sweat in my eyes. I seem to think of everything to avoid thinking about God.

This post is going to be short and sweet. It is going to be a public declaration that I want to commit a little more of each of my days to thinking about my relationship with God and what that means.

what i haven't learned in life so far, i might just learn from The Bachelorette

Tuesday, June 14, 2011
2 miles running (21:10) and 1 mile sprint jogs

I learned an important fact of life from one of those goobers that all look alike on this week's Bachelorette: there is no checklist for finding the person you want to love.

I am going to take that principle one step further. There may not be a checklist for what you're looking for, but there is a checklist for what the other person must accept about you. And right now might be as good a time as ever to work on mine.
  • I am a solitary person; I like to be alone. That doesn't mean that I don't get lonely or that I never want to enjoy someone else's company, it just means that I thrive from being independent.
  • I am a total bleeding heart. I have never chained myself to a tree or led a hunger strike, but maybe I will someday, and I need to accept that about myself.
  • I cry... a lot. It does not mean that I don't enjoy life. In fact, I enjoy it a lot. I am not afraid to show my emotions. I am a passionate person and I won't be ashamed anymore.

I spent the last few years convincing myself that there is something wrong with my eccentricities. That being excited and full of energy meant that I was manic and that because I wanted alone time then I feared intimacy or that I just didn't know what being in a real relationship meant. I kept trying to correct some damage to me that I really hope to find out just isn't there.

I'm sure more realizations will follow, but for now I will just say that I want to embrace these things about me, and I hope I someday find someone who will embrace, not just tolerate them, too. Because I want everything about me to be on someone else's "list" of desirable qualities for a partner, and before that can happen, they have to be on my life of desirable qualities about myself.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

October 2012

Sunday, June 12, 2011
3 miles

Also Thursday, June 9, 2011
3 miles

Also Saturday, June 11, 2011
3 miles

I got a notice in the mail from the Pima County Court Recorder's Office that my divorce hearing is not scheduled until the beginning of October. That means I have four months of waiting in limbo before I can officially be done with this chapter in my life.

That also means that one year from October will be the earliest that I will also my self to date. Ugh... just saying it makes me feel a mix of emotions worthy of throwing up and crying at the same time. I have given myself that time because I hate the thought of getting into another relationship that will likely lead me down the same path. After some prayer, meditation, and self-reflecting, I have realized that I have a serious problem in judgement when it comes to the men I choose to date. I often go after what I cannot have, leading to this self-fulfilled prophecy that I am not good enough for what I truly desire. That leaves me pretty wide open and vulnerable for the first guy who does show interest and is able to charm me to take advantage of me.

When it came to my failed marriage, I know now that he took advantage of me and did not treat me the way that I deserved to be treated, and I took it because I had already decided that I did not deserve better. I wanted to be with him. And even though I've dated guys that treated me better, they still were no better for me than he was. I still had to be pressured and persuaded into every little relationship that I've been in and my biggest regret is that I always let that happen.

About two and a half years ago, I decided that I was not going to get involved with any guys for one year. I had been out of college for less than a year and I wanted to get my priorities together. About two months after I started my one year of no guys I was in a real relationship. A year and a half later I was married.

That ill-fated goal inspired my newest goal of no dating, as in nothing, for one year after I am legally a single woman. If you are reading this and you catch me dating or even thinking about dating any time before October 2012, please kick me in the shin and remind me that I am working on building some self-respect and that dating would be sabotaging that effort.

Until then, I know that my new re-commitment to running and working on my relationship with God will help me focus on building my life, and I have faith that He will help me become free of my need for approval from men and my pursuit of love.

I have more to say about the person that I want to be and the things that I hope to accept about myself, but I will save that for another post. Thank you again for reading what I shared today. Just knowing that other people care about what I have to say gives me the strength that I need to heal.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

not alone.

So throughout the revival of this Blog, I have expressed so much excitement and hope about what is to come that I have left out something really essential. Jesus.

My first post way back in May of last year was all about Pheidippides and how he completed his marathon alone (then he died; not an ideal outcome). I emphasized that this journey would not be one that I have to face alone. And I want to take a moment to reflect on the amazing things that God is directing in my life.

A few weeks ago I went to a church service at Revolution and my pastor talked about the trials that Joseph suffered through his entire life. This sermon touched me so deeply because I sometimes cannot escape the thought that "I just can't catch a break."

Bringing Pheidippides back to my connection to God really helps me write about the stuff that makes me feel so depressed and feel like my life is one tragic mistake after another. My divorce is something that weighs heavily on my heart every day, and even though my running keeps me feeling hopeful and positive, I often feel like I just cannot hold myself together. Every day I feel closer to breaking and it is harder and harder to get out of bed. I push through my normal life and have pushed myself to exercise and I try to put on a happy face despite my pain.

Hearing the story of Joseph literally made my heart open up with hope for the first time in a long time. My pastor concluded this incredible story with this: God did not just allow horrible things to happen to Joseph, He directed them. People in Joseph's life did evil to him. They did not have the righteous intentions of God, but God directed these things to happen because these events guided the work Joseph did for the Lord and for the people of Egypt. I could only imagine the number of people in history whose stories have never been told, but who have experienced the same suffering as Joseph in order to do the work of God on Earth. I don't know if my misery is part of God's plan, but it was a comfort to know that just maybe there was a reason and a purpose to what I am going through.

I am literally sobbing right now, and I am eating so that is just gross.

So now I hope to write my next entry with the focus being on the purpose to my suffering, and the purpose to my healing, and how Christ will help me on that journey. I'm looking forward to meditating on this during my next run.

Thank you for reading this entry. I am a sensitive person but it is so hard for me to open my heart and be open about my pain, but I need people to know why it is so important to me to heal.

i feel like a runner.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011
3 miles

So today's run went well. I didn't just survive, I actually pushed myself to speed up and thrive. I actually thought at one point "I feel like a runner tonight." That was big. I want to be able to start racing again and maybe even complete a half-marathon or a marathon. I was starting to think that maybe my body just was not going to be able to handle long distance running anymore, so this evening's run was a great reminder that I have the potential get my life back on track if I work hard enough.

For the last three and a half years I have used a training website called Map My Run to track my workouts. Tonight I felt brave enough to look back a few years to when I first starting running around Reid Park. I was running a full five minutes faster at my fastest, and that gives me hope and a little bit of pride that I have the potential to get that much faster. If tonight I felt like a runner, then I am so excited to know how I will feel when I truly get my runner's body back and truly reach those fast runs.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

maybe i just needed a break...

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Today I did not run.

So let me back up. I work kind of a weird schedule. I sometimes start my work day at 7 a.m. and end at 7 p.m. because I try to work the majority of my hours each week on Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays. Usually this is tiring, but manageable, mainly because I truly love my job. Today that was not the case.

I got home and laid down and did not get back up. I ate my dinner, curled up in bed, and the next couple of hours are kind of a sleepy haze. I did not really sleep, but I was not awake, either. I finally got out of bed at 10:30 and at that point it was a little late to run, even at my amazing, well-lit, Reid Park.

Even though I would have loved to run this evening, I consider the fact that I did not run to be a win. My last post was about impulse control, and my impulses are not limited to eating junk food. I have to say that I am really proud that I allowed myself to rest and that I did not make myself go running today.

I wish I had some poetic conclusion to this post, but all I can think of is this: celebrate the little things in life; we don't often give ourself a chance to see the positive side of things, and maybe it would help if we did.

Monday, June 6, 2011

love working out. love food more.

Monday, June 6, 2011
3 miles

So it is June (obviously) and I live in a city called Tucson located in the middle of the Sonoran Desert, where the average temperature lingers around 100 degrees during the month of June. During the summer months it becomes all but impossible to workout outside after 9 a.m. and before 8 p.m. Because the city of Tucson, full of workout savvy people, is aware of this fact, there is a lovely park called Reid Park with a lit path full of people walking, running, bicycling, and roller blading for those of us nocturnal beings that need to work out in the evenings. So for the past week or so, I've made my way over to Reid Park around 8 or 9 each night to go for an evening jog.

Now, I love this location, but one major problem is that as you are coming around the bend into the last half mile of the route, the path parallels Broadway Boulevard, which happens to have about five DELICIOUS smelling fast food restaurants along that half-mile stretch. Now I don't know what is was about tonight, but I got SO hungry when I hit that stretch (and yes, I ate dinner earlier, you know-it-all cynic) that I literally felt compelled so stop running. I obviously didn't have to stop running-- you can always push a little harder, right?-- but I truly felt to hungry that stopping felt like the only option. All I could think about was eating a delicious burger from In-and-Out.

After my run, I quickly drove over to In-and-Out Burger and ordered a burger, fries, and a chocolate shake. That last part was just plain indulgent. I felt so rotten for having binged like that, especially after I worked so hard burning calories on my run. Then I realized that a Bulimic person probably feels that way right before they make themselves vomit. And I hate vomiting.

So the lesson I learned this evening: self-indulgence does not need to be a punishable offense. It should probably be avoided, and it is not without its consequences, but seriously, I enjoyed that burger and I especially enjoyed that shake, so I am just not going to beat myself up about a slip-up in impulse control. I have a long list of mistakes that I am currently trying to reconcile, and a chocolate shake just is not going to make the list. At least not tonight.

Lesson learned. Hopefully... :)

Sunday, June 5, 2011

When life give you lemons, you probably have to sit and think and be miserably thirsty for a long time before you can have lemonade

Today's entry is incredibly hard to write.

My life has been flipped over. Everything that I had planned for the rest of my life is changing, and I honestly do not know where to start picking up the pieces, so I decided to run.

I remember starting this Blog a year ago thinking that I could make my life be what I thought it should be. I would be someone who is figuring her life out. I would start this Blog and magically gain the motivation and preparation needed to make the changes and be the person that I wanted to be. I may not have been posting much for the last year, but I have been making self discoveries that have shown me that I couldn't have been that person that I hoped to be a year ago. I was trying too hard to make myself happy while ignoring a cancer in my life that grew and grew, putting more and more pressure on my attempts to have a healthy life.

I sit here now, not fully rid of that metaphorical cancer, and realize how damaged I am as a result of this struggle that until recently I had not been able to even acknowledge existed.

So now I write an entry entitled "When life give you lemons, you probably have to sit and think and be miserably thirsty for a long time before you can have lemonade," because that's what I feel the lesson might be, here. I'm angry, sad, lonely, feeling a little hopeless, and yet, I'm hopeful and almost certain that I'm going to be okay, even better someday. But it is going to take a long, long, long period of waiting, contemplating, and mental self torture to come out of this a better woman.

So while that torture commences, I thought it would be an excellent time to run....

Sunday, June 5, 2011
3 miles
30 minutes