Monday, November 14, 2011


Monday, November 14, 2011
4 miles
60 degrees

Today I ran 4 miles.  It was part of my half-marathon training schedule; the part called an "easy run."  Tomorrow morning I am running a "hard run": 5 miles at a slightly faster pace.  I have another easy run later this week then a "long run" on Sunday, which will be 11 miles.  The schedule has given me goals in my workouts.  And it has been prayer that has made me stick to that schedule and endure the long runs, when just a few months ago I was running 4 miles at a time at the most and maxing out at 10 miles per week.  Sometimes I just chant to myself "give me strength, keep me strong" with the rhythm of my breathing, and I really feel like that prayer-mantra keeps me moving when I physically should not be able to do so.

There are 27 days left of training until I run this race. 

Then, I don't know.

I wrote a few months back a post called "October 2012."  I posted that right after I found out that my divorce hearing would be in October 2011-- that I would be waiting in anguish a full six months after filing for divorce, eight months after separating, and so many more months before that of abuse and manipulation-- until I would legally be free of that toxic life.  In it, I declared that I would not even think about dating until one year after that hearing: October 2012.  I even included a directive to kick me in the shins if I even considered the idea of starting to date.

Before I continue, I want you to know that that directive still stands...
It is November 2011.  I cannot say that I necessarily want to date, because even the thought still terrifies me.  But I think that somewhere inside my head I had this cartoonish fantasy that once my wedding band was gone I would be beating off eligible bachelors with a stick. That hasn't happened.  It has been a blow to my ego, to say the least.

My weekly "long runs" remind me of just how hard it is to be strong.  As I sit here and type about strength and endurance, there are not many words that come to me that really embody what I feel when I am sweaty, tired, achy, thirsty, hungry, and wondering why on earth I am still running after 2 hours.  On the same token, it is really hard to focus on who I am and what I need as an indvidual-- much harder in real time than it is just writing about it six months ago.  Being strong is hard.  Sometimes, when I'm exhausted, I think about how cool the end of the race will be.  I think about people I love cheering at the finish line, and I think about how accomplished I will feel.

What would my life look like if I kept that same visualization during this first painful year after my divorce?  What could the reward be if I stayed strong and pursued a life that did not depend on the approval of others?

I will keep to my training plan over the next 27 days, and maybe after the race on December 11th, I'll have a glimpse of the payoff that I'm seeking.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Well, it's been a while... again.

It has been a while since I posted.  I have had a lot to say, but I have not been able to get it all out into a post.  When I logged into my account tonight, there were three posts that I had started and never finished.  I decided to try to post them all in tonight's post...

I just changed my mind.  After reading two of the almost-posts I decided that all they contained was random chatter about my mileage.  What I plan to write tonight and in the next few days and weeks will cover whatever I didn't finish in the past.  So here comes the one post that I thought might mean something.

so busy i can't find time to feel...

Sunday, October 9, 2011
2 miles
75 degrees

So I although it has been a really long time since my last post, I promise I have been running. The reason for my lack of writing is not related to a lack of running, but a lack of time. Out of nowhere it seems, I somehow have an active social life again.  Last week alone I had dinner plans or going out plans or Glee watching plans with different sets of friends almost every night of the week.  I was so... occupied.

I am hesitant to say that I am happy.  I cannot say that packing my free time so much that I do not have free time really means that I have a satisfying life, but if faking it for a while means that eventually it will feel like my life makes sense again, then this is a good thing.  Probably.

Even though I am still feeling very cynical about life right now, I am starting to actually enjoy living it again...
I feel like what I started to write here still applies.  My life seems full.  Even more has happened since I began to write this post. 

I wanted to use Pheidippides to write about my faith as well as running and my life.  Now I am so involved in my church in such a deep and meaningful way.  I joined a group of people at my church on a mission to bring the Gospel to the University of Arizona campus.  Now I am starting to spend time every week with this community of families and individuals who, like me, want to impact the students in our city and hope to live this out through our faith in God.  I feel truly blessed to be a part of it and I hope that my life starts to feel full once again.

I am also maintaining connections with friends through regular meetups at happy hours after work, dinner dates, and Glee watching parties.  I just love Glee, and I love my friends.

As for running, I am still doing that, too, don't you worry!  I actually decided a few weeks back that I would run the Tucson Half-Marathon in December of this year.  I have been running four days a week on a training schedule to prepare for the race.  I am so happy about this because it has been prayer that has gotten me through my longest runs, and it has been prayer that has enabled me to run after ten hour days of work when I want nothing more than to do absolutely nothing.

I titled my unfinished post "so busy i can't find time to feel" because I felt exactly that.  I was busy for the sake of being busy.  Beneith my social calendar I was still hurting, angry, sad... I had not gotten to that part of my thoughts before something inevitably distracted me enough to abandon Pheidippides for the night.  But I wanted to include those thoughts in this post because I still feel a portion of that pain.  I am still hurting, angry, sad, lost, confused, and lonely.  Things are changing, hopefully for the better, but I felt that was an important note to include.

There is so much I want to share tonight, but I will save my inspiration for the coming days to catch the followers of Pheidippides up on my life, my running, and my circumstance.

Thank you for your patience over the last few months of my writer's block.  I am excited to jump back in to to this written journey.