Well, it's been a while... again.

It has been a while since I posted.  I have had a lot to say, but I have not been able to get it all out into a post.  When I logged into my account tonight, there were three posts that I had started and never finished.  I decided to try to post them all in tonight's post...

I just changed my mind.  After reading two of the almost-posts I decided that all they contained was random chatter about my mileage.  What I plan to write tonight and in the next few days and weeks will cover whatever I didn't finish in the past.  So here comes the one post that I thought might mean something.

so busy i can't find time to feel...

Sunday, October 9, 2011

2 miles

20:30

75 degrees

So I although it has been a really long time since my last post, I promise I have been running. The reason for my lack of writing is not related to a lack of running, but a lack of time. Out of nowhere it seems, I somehow have an active social life again.  Last week alone I had dinner plans or going out plans or Glee watching plans with different sets of friends almost every night of the week.  I was so... occupied.

I am hesitant to say that I am happy.  I cannot say that packing my free time so much that I do not have free time really means that I have a satisfying life, but if faking it for a while means that eventually it will feel like my life makes sense again, then this is a good thing.  Probably.

Even though I am still feeling very cynical about life right now, I am starting to actually enjoy living it again...

I feel like what I started to write here still applies.  My life seems full.  Even more has happened since I began to write this post. 

I wanted to use Pheidippides to write about my faith as well as running and my life.  Now I am so involved in my church in such a deep and meaningful way.  I joined a group of people at my church on a mission to bring the Gospel to the University of Arizona campus.  Now I am starting to spend time every week with this community of families and individuals who, like me, want to impact the students in our city and hope to live this out through our faith in God.  I feel truly blessed to be a part of it and I hope that my life starts to feel full once again.

I am also maintaining connections with friends through regular meetups at happy hours after work, dinner dates, and Glee watching parties.  I just love Glee, and I love my friends.

As for running, I am still doing that, too, don't you worry!  I actually decided a few weeks back that I would run the Tucson Half-Marathon in December of this year.  I have been running four days a week on a training schedule to prepare for the race.  I am so happy about this because it has been prayer that has gotten me through my longest runs, and it has been prayer that has enabled me to run after ten hour days of work when I want nothing more than to do absolutely nothing.

I titled my unfinished post "so busy i can't find time to feel" because I felt exactly that.  I was busy for the sake of being busy.  Beneith my social calendar I was still hurting, angry, sad... I had not gotten to that part of my thoughts before something inevitably distracted me enough to abandon Pheidippides for the night.  But I wanted to include those thoughts in this post because I still feel a portion of that pain.  I am still hurting, angry, sad, lost, confused, and lonely.  Things are changing, hopefully for the better, but I felt that was an important note to include.

There is so much I want to share tonight, but I will save my inspiration for the coming days to catch the followers of Pheidippides up on my life, my running, and my circumstance.

Thank you for your patience over the last few months of my writer's block.  I am excited to jump back in to to this written journey.

don't just survive it.

Friday, July 15, 2011

2 miles

19 minutes

and...

Thursday, July 14, 2011

3.5 miles

37:38

also...

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

3 miles

I don't know... let's say 30 minutes for argument's sake

This week has been a great week for me. As you may have noticed, I ran quite a lot, and I also spiced things up and mapped some new routes for some varied distances. On top of my great workouts, I have had two amazing weeks at work, where I am really feeling confident and supported by everyone around me. My life right now reminds me of this blog's namesake and the reason why I chose Pheidippides as my blog's title.

When Pheidippides ran the first marathon way back in ancient times, he did something that no man had ever done before, and he promptly collapsed and died after doing so. In my first entry in 2010, I wrote about how I would be making this difficult journey (at the time I did not really understand just how difficult, and I imagine Pheidippides felt the same), but that I would not face it alone. Because life transformation, making change, and doing so striving to be closer to God, is hard, and possibly something that our bodies and souls are not meant to do alone.

I have anchored what I write about to running, because it is such an essential, big part of me. Running is something I strive to do, and writing about it keeps me motivated. Writing about running is so easy for me, and I can connect to it a lot of the things that I do in life. But Pheidippides is about so much more than running. I have been successful and happy and thriving at work for exactly the same reason that Pheidippides did not thrive after he ran his 26.2 miles: I have help. I run by myself most days but I live my life every day with friends and co-workers who support and love me. I have a church family who I know prays for my peace. I live in a different state than everyone in my family, but everyone has still shown me that they care, each in their own way.

I guess that is what I want to say this post. I have been building morale and confidence and feeling more and more able to not only survive, but to thrive, and that has a little to do with my behavior change and a lot to do with the people who are helping me do it. So here's to pushing through, growing stronger, and becoming more capable of enduring the hard times and relishing in the good times. I think I have learned, and Pheidippides probably learned, too, that those lessons are best learned in good company.

the beginning

I've never written a blog, but recently I have been compelled to do so. God may be trying to tell me something, and I am working hard to listen.

I'm trying so hard to listen because I feel as though I got out of the habit of doing so. I used to feel this intense connection to Jesus; I was so sure of His will for me and trusted Him so fully that however painful life got, I was always comforted by his immediate presence.

Sometime in the last year or two, I strayed from that path, and I am truly disconnected. It feels as though scar tissue formed between us, and I simply cannot feel His presence the way I used to.

Some might say that this is just part of growing up. I do not know whether those people are right or wrong. I guess that's why I'm writing this blog; there is no definitive answer, just me trying to work it all out.

I knew I wanted to name my first blog after something related to running, because running has been a huge part of my life since I was little. I ran track in high school, I've run 5k races in the six years since graduating from high school, and even trained to run a marathon during my last semester of college. I did not actually run the race, but that is a story for another day.

I have not been very active in the last year or so, and I know this is not good. Running, for me, is only a small percentage about physical fitness. Running has always been a mental game for me. How far can I go? How fast? What will I see while I run? What terrain is easy, medium, hard? What will I think about? What thoughts make me feel good? What thoughts make me feel tired?

So, starting now, I'm going to run. Pheidippides was the Athenian who ran 26.2 miles to announce victory (Nike) over Persia in the Battle of Marathon. Like Pheidippides, I have a goal in mind: to announce my victory over the paralyzing weight that will kill me if I don't do something about it.

I don't know if Pheidippides had any help along the way, but I know that I will need some. That is why this blog will not be solely about me, but about my relationships: God and friends and family that will (hopefully) cheer me on along the way.

So, there it all is. This is my journey, and I'm daring to do something that I never thought I would: lay it all out on the internet for the world to see... I hope along this journey I can find my salvation and a path to continue on as my life continues to change.

One final thought. Many people probably know that when Pheidippides announced the victory of the Greeks over the Persians, he collapsed and died from exhaustion. I'm planning to deviate from that part of the story. Just so we're clear... ;)