injured.

No running lately.

No running?  What happened to that commitment to run more and get prepared to run a full marathon by the end of this year?

An injury is what happened.

I started trying to run again about three weeks after my race and noticed a sharp pain in my left foot.  I tried again after resting for a few days and the pain only worsened.  I have been to the doctor and while the injury is still not diagnosed, it is likely either an injury in the tendon or a fracture in the bone.  I still have to see a specialist to figure out is to become of my poor little foot.

It is frustrating especially because I had so much enthusiasm to run again and to compete in more races this year.  My dad even offered to fly me out to Colorado for a weekend in May to do a double-header: a 5K with obstacles followed the next day by a 10K.  I was so excited for it and will hopefully still be able to do it, but I guess that all really depends on the state of my foot in the next month or so.

Having an injury is frustrating, yes, but also kind of cool in a way.  For so long I have been writing about how athletic I used to be and how I want to get back into running and be fast again.  And while not being able to run without totally incapacitating myself for an entire day is really upsetting, it also kind of shows me that I am working hard enough to get injured in the first place.  Does that make sense?  It is exciting in that it reminds me of being a Varsity athlete in high school.  I never had serious injuries then, but I sustained smaller injuries that required special attention every now and again from the sports trainer.  I guess in some way this injury reminds me of a time in my life that I trained so hard that special attention to small injuries was necessary, so it makes me feel a little bit like I somehow earned this inconvenience through my hard work.

Is it a little unreasonable, counter intuitive, and immature to be a little stoked about this inconvenience in my life?  I would say "yes."  But if I have learned anything, I know that it is important to celebrate the little victories while you are focusing on improving any problem.

I hope this situation continues to improve.  While I'm not running, maybe I can write more posts about what I did throughout the end of 2011 and the beginning of 2012, since I sort of dropped off the map for a while then.  I'll keep posting about my foot.  Until next time...

my conversation with God.

I want to write this post about my newest running accomplishment: I completed my first half marathon.

Sunday, December 11, 2011
13.1 miles
2:04:27

First I just want to say this race was a very spiritual experience for me.  Running 13 miles across the desert at sunrise was insane.  I felt so free and light and strong.  A ton of physical and mental preparation went into it and when the day became I must say it was a fulfilling, wonderful experience.

The race was long (obviously... 13.1 miles).  I could write through every step of the race, but I think it would be great to write about the last three miles.

At about the tenth mile, I still felt amazing.  Tired?  Sure.  But I really felt like I could push through and finish the final 3.1 miles at the strong pace in which I had started.  I truly felt on top of the world.

Then I hit the eleventh mile, and I honestly thought "that felt like longer than just one mile."  I still felt like I could do this, but the miles seemed longer and harder to do, and I was starting to feel tired.

By the time I got to the twelfth mile marker, I was in real pain.  I felt a jabbing cramp in my rib and my legs felt like they were held together by much shorter tendons than they had been two or three miles back.  I felt panicky at the thought of walking since I had not walked at all throughout the race, so I kept my legs moving... barely.  I must have let about a hundred people pass me on that last mile.

I should probably back way up right now and talk about something I started doing when I was training.  I started to chant a sort of mantra when I was feeling really tired.  I would say "give me strength, keep me strong" over and over again and somehow it kept me going.  So during this part of the race when I just wanted to stop and walk, I started to chant my mantra in my head.  Along with that I sort of started to half-pray and half-self-talk.  I said things like "just a little further" and "I know you can do this."

One thing that I said to myself was "you've survived so much more than this last mile..."

That was without a doubt the most powerful thought of the race.  At this point I was not just thinking about the race.  This moment changed everything about that last mile.  I could not tell you if my stride lengthened or if I felt any less pain.  But my best guess is that nothing physically changed during that last mile.  Something inside was driving me past what was possible.  It reminds me of something that I hear often in church: God will ask you to do things that you cannot possibly do on your own, but He will walk you though it if you open your heart to Him.  I think that is what this race was all about for me.

This race made me so excited for the year to come.  I would like to use this momentum to run more races and finish 2012 with a full marathon.  So stay tuned for what's to come....

single.

Monday, November 14, 2011
4 miles
40:33
60 degrees

Today I ran 4 miles.  It was part of my half-marathon training schedule; the part called an "easy run."  Tomorrow morning I am running a "hard run": 5 miles at a slightly faster pace.  I have another easy run later this week then a "long run" on Sunday, which will be 11 miles.  The schedule has given me goals in my workouts.  And it has been prayer that has made me stick to that schedule and endure the long runs, when just a few months ago I was running 4 miles at a time at the most and maxing out at 10 miles per week.  Sometimes I just chant to myself "give me strength, keep me strong" with the rhythm of my breathing, and I really feel like that prayer-mantra keeps me moving when I physically should not be able to do so.

There are 27 days left of training until I run this race. 

Then, I don't know.

I wrote a few months back a post called "October 2012."  I posted that right after I found out that my divorce hearing would be in October 2011-- that I would be waiting in anguish a full six months after filing for divorce, eight months after separating, and so many more months before that of abuse and manipulation-- until I would legally be free of that toxic life.  In it, I declared that I would not even think about dating until one year after that hearing: October 2012.  I even included a directive to kick me in the shins if I even considered the idea of starting to date.

Before I continue, I want you to know that that directive still stands...
It is November 2011.  I cannot say that I necessarily want to date, because even the thought still terrifies me.  But I think that somewhere inside my head I had this cartoonish fantasy that once my wedding band was gone I would be beating off eligible bachelors with a stick. That hasn't happened.  It has been a blow to my ego, to say the least.

My weekly "long runs" remind me of just how hard it is to be strong.  As I sit here and type about strength and endurance, there are not many words that come to me that really embody what I feel when I am sweaty, tired, achy, thirsty, hungry, and wondering why on earth I am still running after 2 hours.  On the same token, it is really hard to focus on who I am and what I need as an indvidual-- much harder in real time than it is just writing about it six months ago.  Being strong is hard.  Sometimes, when I'm exhausted, I think about how cool the end of the race will be.  I think about people I love cheering at the finish line, and I think about how accomplished I will feel.

What would my life look like if I kept that same visualization during this first painful year after my divorce?  What could the reward be if I stayed strong and pursued a life that did not depend on the approval of others?

I will keep to my training plan over the next 27 days, and maybe after the race on December 11th, I'll have a glimpse of the payoff that I'm seeking.

Well, it's been a while... again.

It has been a while since I posted.  I have had a lot to say, but I have not been able to get it all out into a post.  When I logged into my account tonight, there were three posts that I had started and never finished.  I decided to try to post them all in tonight's post...

I just changed my mind.  After reading two of the almost-posts I decided that all they contained was random chatter about my mileage.  What I plan to write tonight and in the next few days and weeks will cover whatever I didn't finish in the past.  So here comes the one post that I thought might mean something.

so busy i can't find time to feel...

Sunday, October 9, 2011

2 miles

20:30

75 degrees

So I although it has been a really long time since my last post, I promise I have been running. The reason for my lack of writing is not related to a lack of running, but a lack of time. Out of nowhere it seems, I somehow have an active social life again.  Last week alone I had dinner plans or going out plans or Glee watching plans with different sets of friends almost every night of the week.  I was so... occupied.

I am hesitant to say that I am happy.  I cannot say that packing my free time so much that I do not have free time really means that I have a satisfying life, but if faking it for a while means that eventually it will feel like my life makes sense again, then this is a good thing.  Probably.

Even though I am still feeling very cynical about life right now, I am starting to actually enjoy living it again...

I feel like what I started to write here still applies.  My life seems full.  Even more has happened since I began to write this post. 

I wanted to use Pheidippides to write about my faith as well as running and my life.  Now I am so involved in my church in such a deep and meaningful way.  I joined a group of people at my church on a mission to bring the Gospel to the University of Arizona campus.  Now I am starting to spend time every week with this community of families and individuals who, like me, want to impact the students in our city and hope to live this out through our faith in God.  I feel truly blessed to be a part of it and I hope that my life starts to feel full once again.

I am also maintaining connections with friends through regular meetups at happy hours after work, dinner dates, and Glee watching parties.  I just love Glee, and I love my friends.

As for running, I am still doing that, too, don't you worry!  I actually decided a few weeks back that I would run the Tucson Half-Marathon in December of this year.  I have been running four days a week on a training schedule to prepare for the race.  I am so happy about this because it has been prayer that has gotten me through my longest runs, and it has been prayer that has enabled me to run after ten hour days of work when I want nothing more than to do absolutely nothing.

I titled my unfinished post "so busy i can't find time to feel" because I felt exactly that.  I was busy for the sake of being busy.  Beneith my social calendar I was still hurting, angry, sad... I had not gotten to that part of my thoughts before something inevitably distracted me enough to abandon Pheidippides for the night.  But I wanted to include those thoughts in this post because I still feel a portion of that pain.  I am still hurting, angry, sad, lost, confused, and lonely.  Things are changing, hopefully for the better, but I felt that was an important note to include.

There is so much I want to share tonight, but I will save my inspiration for the coming days to catch the followers of Pheidippides up on my life, my running, and my circumstance.

Thank you for your patience over the last few months of my writer's block.  I am excited to jump back in to to this written journey.

hives

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

2 miles

21:40

90 degrees

Today I added a line to the standard salutation that I write at the start of every entry: temperature. It was 90 degrees when I got back to my house tonight at almost 9 p.m. I feel like writing down the daily temperature might be a helpful ingredient in the narrative of my workout.

Anyway, today's entry is not another one that complains about the temperature. You're welcome.

My thoughts have been centered recently on my future plans. I'm almost a single woman now. I have my own apartment and a good job and now I have a dog, too. Now I wonder: what the heck am I going to do with my life. At one point, this thought was one that I thought with excitement, like, "I can do anything I want. I'm free!" Now it is more like "Oh my gosh I really have no direction. I have no plans. I am having a hard time committing to anything. What is the meaning of this life?"

First there is the question of my relationship status. (Before you aim for my shins per my previous request to kick me if I mention dating, hear me out). I am not talking about getting involved with anyone or dating or anything, but I would be lying if I said that I have not thought at all about what my life is going to look like whenever it comes to be that I actually, gulp, pursue another relationship.

Then there is my work and education. I have kicked around the idea of going back to school. I know that I really want to in order to advance my career, the question is really what degree I get. Masters in Architecture? Communication? Education? Higher Education? I even briefly considered massage therapy as an educational option. The only thing that all of these vocational threads have in common: their ability to illustrate how incredibly lost I am.

So we have my non-existent romantic life, then my completely directionless pursuit of post-graduate education. And finally, we have Levi. Levi is a year and a half old mutt I just adopted from a rescue shelter. He is super cute and fun to play with and a great little running buddy on short workouts. He also nips like a puppy (ouch), he gets really mad at me when I try to crate him during the day, and he jumps on my white couch even though I know he knows what "Levi! Off the couch!" means. All of that is tolerable and I am sure we are capable of growing through this adjustment period. What is not tolerable and pretty much out of my control is the fact that my eyes are watering, my nose is running, my ears are itching, and (this is a first even for my allergy prone self) I am breaking out in HIVES. So unsightly... and itchy.

The point of this entry, the thing I thought most about during those grueling 20 minutes in 90 degree heat after dark, is the fact that this life is kind of not in my control right now. I am considering a lot of different options, many of which I am clearly not ready for, and I may

need to listen to God, my good senses, and my histamines if/when I jump into something and I am not ready for it.

holy moly it is HOT!

Monday, August 22, 2011

4 miles

37:19

Okay. I love Tucson. I love the weather. I love the blazing hot summers and the balmy winters. But I am claiming my reserved right to complain tonight. This heat just might kill me.

I have made a few subtle references to how I feel as though I am aging in Pheidippides, and right now I am going to make one more: I never remember sweating this much in my life. I realize that, yes, I have only lived in this inferno of a desert for three years. And yes, I have never run so intensely throughout the summer any other year. Even so, even after dark, I get utterly soaked in perspiration. Gross. I do not know if this is a sign of aging or of weight gain or both, but it is wholly inconvenient and completely unbecoming.

Anyway... that was just a pointless rant to fill the void of my totally uneventful workout and my subsequently uninspired entry. I ran my usual 4 mile route and did so in decent time. I was totally gassed for about the last .75 miles, but it was still the kind of workout that makes me want to do it again, which is ideal.

Maybe my next entry will be about an awesome run I do at 6 a.m. and the minimal sweat that run produces. Stay tuned to find out. :)

what to say? (a lot, i guess)

i won't bore you with the details of every run since my last post. just know that there were several.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

2 miles

21:21

So I have not posted anything for a while, mainly because I do not think I have anything incredibly profound to write about. Life has been pretty ordinary. Thankfully.

I ran this evening for about 2 miles. There was really nothing special about it. I do not even remember what I thought about. I guess whatever it was, it was not that exciting.

What has been exciting is seeing what happens when you allow God to take care of your life.

I have decided in the past to not go into the intimate details of my divorce on Pheidippides out of respect for my ex's privacy. I also have not said much because the ordeal is really too complicated to squeeze into a small digest and too painful to hash out every detail. What I will say is that the process got much more complicated than I thought it would when some financial matters were disputed. What could have been a clean break that ended about two months after the original paperwork was filed back in April has turned into a long, confusing, and potentially expensive process that will not be over until October of this year.

For the first two months of this revelation, I was beyond devastated. This has collectively been the most heartbreaking, humiliating, and exhausting experience of my life. It was difficult enough to finally make the decision to legally end our relationship, but the thought of hashing it out in court would have been laughably cliché if it didn't infuriate and devastate me all at once. Through many verbal confrontations, heated arguments, and downright nasty emails, both of us got across to one another how unfair they thought the other was being. And through all of that, I was torn. There has never been a single part of me that genuinely wished any harm for him. I do not want to be married to him, but I did not want to hurt him either.

I just wrote two lengthy paragraphs about the pain of the last couple of months, but I erased them because the details are not what is important. What is important is that each day, I lived the day. I got out of bed, and some days this was much, much harder than others. I talked to friends, a therapist, and my pastor. I cried. I prayed. I ran. I wrote. And one day I woke up and realized that it had been four months since I filed and it would be just two months until it is finally over. I filed a ton of trial preparation paperwork yesterday-- something that I had been putting off because it made me so angry that we are even going to trial-- and that is the last thing I need to do until October. Now I just need to keep living my life. Get out of bed. Pray. Run. Write. Occasionally cry. And one day I will wake up and realize that I am moving on.

So today's post is appropriately titled, "what to say? (a lot, i guess)" because so much just came pouring out when I (finally) decided to write a new post. Now, moving forward, I feel excited to live, excited to write, excited to move on.... and very excited to run. :)