Tuesday, August 9, 2011

what to say? (a lot, i guess)

i won't bore you with the details of every run since my last post. just know that there were several.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011
2 miles

So I have not posted anything for a while, mainly because I do not think I have anything incredibly profound to write about. Life has been pretty ordinary. Thankfully.

I ran this evening for about 2 miles. There was really nothing special about it. I do not even remember what I thought about. I guess whatever it was, it was not that exciting.

What has been exciting is seeing what happens when you allow God to take care of your life.

I have decided in the past to not go into the intimate details of my divorce on Pheidippides out of respect for my ex's privacy. I also have not said much because the ordeal is really too complicated to squeeze into a small digest and too painful to hash out every detail. What I will say is that the process got much more complicated than I thought it would when some financial matters were disputed. What could have been a clean break that ended about two months after the original paperwork was filed back in April has turned into a long, confusing, and potentially expensive process that will not be over until October of this year.

For the first two months of this revelation, I was beyond devastated. This has collectively been the most heartbreaking, humiliating, and exhausting experience of my life. It was difficult enough to finally make the decision to legally end our relationship, but the thought of hashing it out in court would have been laughably cliché if it didn't infuriate and devastate me all at once. Through many verbal confrontations, heated arguments, and downright nasty emails, both of us got across to one another how unfair they thought the other was being. And through all of that, I was torn. There has never been a single part of me that genuinely wished any harm for him. I do not want to be married to him, but I did not want to hurt him either.

I just wrote two lengthy paragraphs about the pain of the last couple of months, but I erased them because the details are not what is important. What is important is that each day, I lived the day. I got out of bed, and some days this was much, much harder than others. I talked to friends, a therapist, and my pastor. I cried. I prayed. I ran. I wrote. And one day I woke up and realized that it had been four months since I filed and it would be just two months until it is finally over. I filed a ton of trial preparation paperwork yesterday-- something that I had been putting off because it made me so angry that we are even going to trial-- and that is the last thing I need to do until October. Now I just need to keep living my life. Get out of bed. Pray. Run. Write. Occasionally cry. And one day I will wake up and realize that I am moving on.

So today's post is appropriately titled, "what to say? (a lot, i guess)" because so much just came pouring out when I (finally) decided to write a new post. Now, moving forward, I feel excited to live, excited to write, excited to move on.... and very excited to run. :)

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