My life has been flipped over. Everything that I had planned for the rest of my life is changing, and I honestly do not know where to start picking up the pieces, so I decided to run.
I remember starting this Blog a year ago thinking that I could make my life be what I thought it should be. I would be someone who is figuring her life out. I would start this Blog and magically gain the motivation and preparation needed to make the changes and be the person that I wanted to be. I may not have been posting much for the last year, but I have been making self discoveries that have shown me that I couldn't have been that person that I hoped to be a year ago. I was trying too hard to make myself happy while ignoring a cancer in my life that grew and grew, putting more and more pressure on my attempts to have a healthy life.
I sit here now, not fully rid of that metaphorical cancer, and realize how damaged I am as a result of this struggle that until recently I had not been able to even acknowledge existed.
So now I write an entry entitled "When life give you lemons, you probably have to sit and think and be miserably thirsty for a long time before you can have lemonade," because that's what I feel the lesson might be, here. I'm angry, sad, lonely, feeling a little hopeless, and yet, I'm hopeful and almost certain that I'm going to be okay, even better someday. But it is going to take a long, long, long period of waiting, contemplating, and mental self torture to come out of this a better woman.
So while that torture commences, I thought it would be an excellent time to run....
Sunday, June 5, 2011