Wednesday, June 8, 2011

not alone.

So throughout the revival of this Blog, I have expressed so much excitement and hope about what is to come that I have left out something really essential. Jesus.

My first post way back in May of last year was all about Pheidippides and how he completed his marathon alone (then he died; not an ideal outcome). I emphasized that this journey would not be one that I have to face alone. And I want to take a moment to reflect on the amazing things that God is directing in my life.

A few weeks ago I went to a church service at Revolution and my pastor talked about the trials that Joseph suffered through his entire life. This sermon touched me so deeply because I sometimes cannot escape the thought that "I just can't catch a break."

Bringing Pheidippides back to my connection to God really helps me write about the stuff that makes me feel so depressed and feel like my life is one tragic mistake after another. My divorce is something that weighs heavily on my heart every day, and even though my running keeps me feeling hopeful and positive, I often feel like I just cannot hold myself together. Every day I feel closer to breaking and it is harder and harder to get out of bed. I push through my normal life and have pushed myself to exercise and I try to put on a happy face despite my pain.

Hearing the story of Joseph literally made my heart open up with hope for the first time in a long time. My pastor concluded this incredible story with this: God did not just allow horrible things to happen to Joseph, He directed them. People in Joseph's life did evil to him. They did not have the righteous intentions of God, but God directed these things to happen because these events guided the work Joseph did for the Lord and for the people of Egypt. I could only imagine the number of people in history whose stories have never been told, but who have experienced the same suffering as Joseph in order to do the work of God on Earth. I don't know if my misery is part of God's plan, but it was a comfort to know that just maybe there was a reason and a purpose to what I am going through.

I am literally sobbing right now, and I am eating so that is just gross.

So now I hope to write my next entry with the focus being on the purpose to my suffering, and the purpose to my healing, and how Christ will help me on that journey. I'm looking forward to meditating on this during my next run.

Thank you for reading this entry. I am a sensitive person but it is so hard for me to open my heart and be open about my pain, but I need people to know why it is so important to me to heal.

1 comment:

  1. I'm so sorry you are going through this, and thank you for sharing your feelings!