Sunday, June 12, 2011
Also Thursday, June 9, 2011
Also Saturday, June 11, 2011
I got a notice in the mail from the Pima County Court Recorder's Office that my divorce hearing is not scheduled until the beginning of October. That means I have four months of waiting in limbo before I can officially be done with this chapter in my life.
That also means that one year from October will be the earliest that I will also my self to date. Ugh... just saying it makes me feel a mix of emotions worthy of throwing up and crying at the same time. I have given myself that time because I hate the thought of getting into another relationship that will likely lead me down the same path. After some prayer, meditation, and self-reflecting, I have realized that I have a serious problem in judgement when it comes to the men I choose to date. I often go after what I cannot have, leading to this self-fulfilled prophecy that I am not good enough for what I truly desire. That leaves me pretty wide open and vulnerable for the first guy who does show interest and is able to charm me to take advantage of me.
When it came to my failed marriage, I know now that he took advantage of me and did not treat me the way that I deserved to be treated, and I took it because I had already decided that I did not deserve better. I wanted to be with him. And even though I've dated guys that treated me better, they still were no better for me than he was. I still had to be pressured and persuaded into every little relationship that I've been in and my biggest regret is that I always let that happen.
About two and a half years ago, I decided that I was not going to get involved with any guys for one year. I had been out of college for less than a year and I wanted to get my priorities together. About two months after I started my one year of no guys I was in a real relationship. A year and a half later I was married.
That ill-fated goal inspired my newest goal of no dating, as in nothing, for one year after I am legally a single woman. If you are reading this and you catch me dating or even thinking about dating any time before October 2012, please kick me in the shin and remind me that I am working on building some self-respect and that dating would be sabotaging that effort.
Until then, I know that my new re-commitment to running and working on my relationship with God will help me focus on building my life, and I have faith that He will help me become free of my need for approval from men and my pursuit of love.
I have more to say about the person that I want to be and the things that I hope to accept about myself, but I will save that for another post. Thank you again for reading what I shared today. Just knowing that other people care about what I have to say gives me the strength that I need to heal.